Unhealthy Relationships

Cultivating a Fulfilling Relationship with Space for Personal Growth

In your relationship, would you like to be able to do things separately as well as spending quality time together? Some couples are so caught up in their hamster wheel of daily life, that they live life on an auto-pilot, with little connection between them and no attention for personal development. At some point in life they realize they feel unfulfilled and alone in the relationship.

Key Traits of a Healthy Relationship:

  1. To be able to share dreams, life goals, and to mutually respect each other’s aspirations
  2. To have separate thoughts and not only think as a couple
  3. To enjoy alone time
  4. To be able to say “NO” without repercussions
  5. To create a safe space for sharing feelings and thoughts without being judged
  6. To (also) have separate friends and enjoy separate activities
  7. To understand they are 2 separate individuals and that they can enrich each other
  8. To welcome affection and closeness
  9. To be open for change
  10. To experience pleasure in giving and receiving
  11. To feel equal in the relationship
  12. To trust each other
  13. To respect each other’s opinions, boundaries, culture and values

Warning Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship:

  • Feeling insecure, unloved and alone when not being with our partner
  • Having to hide things or walk on eggshells
  • Having the feeling you have to say “YES” all the time
  • Feeling guilty spending time with friends and family
  • Checking up on each other the whole time when being apart
  • Feeling unhappy if the other person wants to spend time apart
  • Having  privacy violated (partner checking computer or phone)
  • Having no trust 
  • Being afraid of change and to see the external world as a threat
  • Feeling consumed by the other
  • Experiencing not any personal growth
  • Trying to control or change the other person
  • Refusing to commit

Abusive Relationships

For a video to understand more the difference between healthy and unhealthy love, I can recommend this one from Katie Wood.

Dependence, Independence or Interdependence

We can actually divide healthy and unhealthy relationships into three categories: Dependence, Independence or Interdependence.

In order to understand the difference between “unhealthy dependence” versus “healthy interdependence” , let’s illustrate this with an image of the letters A, H and M.

An “A” shaped relationship

An “A” shaped relationship is often seen in those with mutually needy behaviors. A couple stays together because one is the centerpiece of the other’s life, and the other is structured and responsible. We can see this for example in couples where we can observe a “parent and child” or “victim and rescuer” pattern. If one keeps on leaning too much on the other trying to get their needs met, at some point the tension gets too great and the bar in the middle of the A breaks. For these couples it is important to find their own fulfillment and not make the other person responsible for their happiness. If this relationship ends, both world’s totally collapse. An individual life coaching course can help to uncover negative patterns and to seek life improvement.

An “H” shaped relationship

An “H” shaped relationship is a relationship often observed in couples that have little obligations, for instance no kids, and are both independent with a secure income. They are so independent that they lack a true connection with their partner and don’t feel the other’s needs. If eventually there is no deeper engagement, the bar of the H can be broken in the middle and both individuals will continue as separate “I”s. They will keep standing when the relationship falls, as both individuals depend less upon each other.

The “M” shaped relationship

And finally, the “M” shaped relationship is a type where there is space for both people to grow and thrive as a couple as well as individuals. Each person has a healthy shaped individual personality, the relationship keeps evolving as there is room for personal growth. Most importantly, there is support for personal aspirations as well as a projection for common goals and dreams. It’s a powerful dynamic where the differences are used to boost and up level each other, leaving space for the other.

Improve your Life and your Relationship

  • Think of your childhood and discover which family dynamics were present then, which may make you feel “comfortable” in an unhealthy relationship at present
  • Which needs were not met when you were growing up that you are trying to find in your current relationship?
  • Focus on your inner work and be aware that you cannot change your partner but only yourself
  • Write a list of things you desire and of what will make you feel better
  • Are your relationship expectations realistic?
  • Which values do you and your partner share? Which life goals are you after?
  • Realise that each relationship challenge brings you one step closer to a healthier relationship
  • Be compassionate for yourself and heal your childhood wound

Holistic Approach

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I enjoy embarking on new adventures and being in nature. I live in an eco-off-grid house in the Spanish mountains with my 2 horses, 4 dogs and 2 cats. 

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Enrol HERE!